awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
