im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize