I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
