if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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