My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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