y did u give ur computer a hand job?
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
