Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
