How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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