my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
