guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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