dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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