I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
