I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
