Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
