he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
