i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I still have a little drunk in my system
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
