I accidentally had phone sex last night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
