so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
