You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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