wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
