I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize