I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My feet surprised me
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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