i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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