Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
