It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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