I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
