Im at strip club and am horny
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
