you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
