the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
