I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
