i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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