The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize