I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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