is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
