theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
