I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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