Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
high people should be assigned attendants
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
