I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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