I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
