Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
