I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
