i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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