this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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