You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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