my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
