i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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