She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
