just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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