Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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