making cat noises will not fix the situation.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think I just sharted jello shots
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