Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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