My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
