ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
