I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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