I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
