College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize