Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
