he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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