So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
