I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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