my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
