i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
