I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize