i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
