If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
